@frageelay OH NO! You were supposed to get the ShamWow! No wonder my dad was acting kinda sad at Christmas.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
9 hours, 53 minutes agoView original
1
I think Oatmeal Stout should be classified as "health food."
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
10 hours, 53 minutes agoView original
11
The couple making out in Starbucks just gave me a venti-sized boner.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
14 hours, 12 minutes agoView original
22
@seanhussey I have dreams where I'm the cross beam in a @thedayhascome / @badbanana Eiffel Tower.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
19 hours, 44 minutes agoView original
5
Ahh, nostalgia. Let's take a look back at the early days of @detweiler. Here's me in 2006 ruining a wedding: http://tr.im/weddingcrasher
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
20 hours, 41 minutes agoView original
1
I'm late for my job. Notice how I didn't say 'work', because that implies something entirely different.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
21 hours, 36 minutes agoView original
24
@BigBraveBeagle You know the last time I gave you jerky, you vomited on Nicki's carpet. ...So, here ya go!
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
1 day, 14 hours agoView original
1
I just found some beef jerkey in my pocket. I love it when that happens!
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
1 day, 15 hours agoView original
9
Just threw a Ziplock bag of meat in the trash with the hopes that in addition to locking in freshness, it also locks in rotting-meat smell.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
2 days, 10 hours agoView original
18
@vmarinelli It would have to be something like, "I just went to church and I haven't drank in weeks! My life is wonderful! I love you all!"
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
2 days, 17 hours agoView original
4
Ok guys, now's the time to SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT. You can blame it on the phishers.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
2 days, 18 hours agoView original
11
This being the Mother of All Mondays, I'm betting Twitter will collectively be at its grumpiest today. COFFEE!!!
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
2 days, 22 hours agoView original
2
Actually, that bag of spilled Sun Chips really brings out the other trash in my car to give it an authentic post-modern look.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
3 days, 16 hours agoView original
11
I get some joy out of the fact that spammers have to work weekends.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
3 days, 17 hours agoView original
11
@crispycracka I dunno, but if you unfollow me, I will cry and cut myself.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
3 days, 18 hours agoView original
2
Out with @tehawesome, @alegna24, and @DolciSogni. We just saw a pyromaniac belly dancer. You guys are missing out.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
4 days, 8 hours agoView original
1
Apparently, the rack of chairs downstairs are not an exhibit. The ones upstairs are. I might not be "sophisticated" enough for this museum.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
4 days, 13 hours agoView original
16
For me, art museums are a lot like Facebook photos. Unless there's at least partial nudity or I'm tagged in them, I'm really not interested.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
4 days, 13 hours agoView original
18
I could kill a canary with the B.O. I got going on. Time to shower!
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
4 days, 19 hours agoView original
3
I just hurled on the Red Line. Goddamn, I'm sexy.
detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
6 days, 1 hour agoView original
5