To understand me a bit better, just know a lady at a meeting mentioned "fetal demise" & I totally thought she said "penile surprise."
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
17 hours, 55 minutes agoView original
17
Why yes, that is my son rocking the granny shot at his basketball game. He learned it from me so shut up because I also do a mean cockpunch.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
1 day, 10 hours agoView original
18
My twitter happiness rating is 2009 sucks big fat ass.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
1 day, 18 hours agoView original
7
That guy from the Mentalist can put his shrimp on my barbie any time. Is that sexy in Australian? Pet my dingo? Plunder my outback? Aw hell.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
2 days, 15 hours agoView original
43
Yes, I told my husband to box up stuff I haven't used in ages, but putting my gym bag into storage was just mean. My extra gum was in there!
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
3 days, 12 hours agoView original
18
@expat_erin My son took a picture of my butt in black stretch pants & I thought it was a nighttime shot of the mountains.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
3 days, 12 hours agoView original
5
Saw my husband pouring Magic Shell on chips &, on his own, my kid just discovered the same thing. Another generation of stretch-waist genes.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
3 days, 14 hours agoView original
7
Some guy left his wife a $10 million lotto ticket before he died. If I kick off, I'm leaving my husband credit card debt & a box of tampons.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
3 days, 21 hours agoView original
28
Stopped to eat in rural Illinois & the restaurant was full of hunters. My son noticed all the camo & said, "The soldiers here sure are fat."
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
4 days, 13 hours agoView original
36
As far as I can tell, the biggest difference between Colorado & Indiana besides the mountains is that Colorado uses far less comic sans.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
5 days, 21 hours agoView original
16
Why is it when you tell someone your kid is smart, that's the moment he eats a booger & bends over to see if he can catch his own fart?
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
17
So what if bouncytitties unfollowed me. Perkytitties left years ago & bigeffingtitties are here to stay. So I tuck them in my belt & go on.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
1 week, 1 day agoView original
31
@missamymac At least you have boobs & a vagina. Mention either & you're guaranteed a few gold stars & a creepy new follower or two.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
1 week, 1 day agoView original
4
Changing your name to Yennifer isn't cool. It just makes you a yannoying youchebag I want to yockpunch.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
1 week, 1 day agoView original
24
Called my naked husband wobbly instead of naughty. I'm less sex kitten & more tourette's pussy.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
1 week, 2 days agoView original
19
Colorado travel guides fail to mention the dry boogers & altitude farts. Husband & son act like it's Christmas all over again.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
1 week, 3 days agoView original
7
Son said he was happy to be at Alzheimer's unit. Nurses swooned til he said, "Cuz when we get grandma over with, we're going to Toys R Us!"
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
1 week, 4 days agoView original
13
17 hours in car & arrive to bed full of mouse poop. Got orange & dad-in-law says, "My prostate's that size." Hope hanta virus works swiftly.
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
1 week, 4 days agoView original
13
I told my 5 yo he could be anything, love anyone & I'd support him. But now he wants to join the Army & I'm like, "There is no Santa Claus!"
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
20
Husband left the yellow pages open to "gun shops" so I opened it to "divorce lawyers." He'll probably think I'm looking up "diving lessons."
hoosiergirl from evansville, indiana
2 weeks, 1 day agoView original
23