Porn is fabulous, but that industry can continue to suck it until the State of California can pay my tax refund with actual money .
ivegotzooms from Cupcakes of the C.H.U.D.
7 hours, 28 minutes agoView original
2
Pro Tip: If a new hair sprouts with its own geo cache coordinates, it no longer fits into anyone's definition of eyebrows.
ivegotzooms from Cupcakes of the C.H.U.D.
11 hours, 25 minutes agoView original
11
To the guy who just walked by, I did that with my lollipop because I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE. And you're welcome.
ivegotzooms from Cupcakes of the C.H.U.D.
13 hours, 55 minutes agoView original
26
Apparently punchlist does *not* mean My List of Justice to be Delivered by Fist. Stupid pacifistic architects are ruining my fun. Again.
ivegotzooms from Cupcakes of the C.H.U.D.
15 hours, 23 minutes agoView original
12
Employers are impressed by employees who clean their keyboards, even when the canned air shoots cookie debris straight into my eye. RIGHT?
ivegotzooms from Cupcakes of the C.H.U.D.
1 day, 9 hours agoView original
7
You don't know how much a chainsaw sounds like elephant butt sex until your will-end-up-on-CNN-as-a-crime-story neighbor fires it up at 7am.
ivegotzooms from Cupcakes of the C.H.U.D.
1 day, 19 hours agoView original
12
Proof that merely getting out doesn't help? I spent the entire drive to the gym trying to make a rhombus with my lips.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
2 days, 9 hours agoView original
14
Human Resources has accepted that I was using finger binary to communicate a file number rather than discussing porn. Suckers.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
2 days, 18 hours agoView original
15
The new work year. This is when all of MY new laws go into effect: Say the secret password to activate level 1 cooperation of this employee.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
2 days, 20 hours agoView original
8
I go in for a snuggle. Mr Zoom laughs and tells me I have nose whistle. Tweeting from bed, yeah. Go ahead and judge me. No, us. We'll wait.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
3 days, 6 hours agoView original
3
@swamibooba That's why I do more talking after the wedding than I did before. I like to punctuate with SUCK-ER!
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
3 days, 11 hours agoView original
1
@jsttmfb He knows I'll go right for the Lifetime if he gives me too much sass.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
3 days, 11 hours agoView original
1
I have set the dvr to record a show called "Helvetica". Let's see how long it takes Mr. Zoom to fire me from my own marriage.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
3 days, 12 hours agoView original
9
@coyotesqrl I would, but the crack house across the street gets a little twitchy when there's a recording device all out in the open.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
4 days, 5 hours agoView original
2
I just engaged in a battle with my own underwear that now requires it to register as a sex offender.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
4 days, 5 hours agoView original
23
One of the dust bunnies under my computer desk just threw a gang sign.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
4 days, 16 hours agoView original
34
We have this thing in our house. It's called the same *discussion* over and over and over again. Expiration dates matter, dammit.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
4 days, 17 hours agoView original
1
*zzzeeerrp!* "You didn't hear that, did you?" "Hear what? How could I hear anything over that clapper of a fart you just released?"
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
5 days, 9 hours agoView original
3
Mr. Zoom's speakers are on while he browses the net: "I'm sorry, but Katie Perry needs it. And I'm going to give it to her."
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
5 days, 10 hours agoView original
1
Mr. Zoom drank two Starbucks double shots on an empty stomach. Godspeed, moon husband.
ivegotzooms from C.H.U.D. of the Cupcakes
5 days, 12 hours agoView original
11