You know what my office could use? A mute.
2 hours, 6 minutes agoView original
9
Guys, I've got too much going on to twitter lately, but it would help if you could just star this because I am still in need of validation.
18 hours, 52 minutes agoView original
34
When you use bigger words than necessary, I think you're trying to convince me that you're smarter than you really are.
1 day, 17 hours agoView original
2
I cite my nephew's insistence to eat only froot loops at a buffet as proof not to bring children to buffets. Or not to have children.
7
Hey, all my problems followed me here. Well fuck.
6 days, 3 hours agoView original
10
Is there some sort of day spa that specializes in truth massaging? I'm detecting the work of a professional here.
1 week, 1 day agoView original
7
You're being an asshole but I know your actions have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that you're an asshole.
1 week, 2 days agoView original
18
Sorry I've been so quiet. I've just been extremely, you know, drunk.
1 week, 3 days agoView original
23
Merry Christmas to all my entertainment-monkeys. Lukewarm fuzzies, Delfie ;-)
1 week, 6 days agoView original
2
I'm not convinced that God loves me. But I have no doubt that he loves snow.
8
It's probably just that everyone's off for the holidays, but I'm not giving up hope that all of my co-workers have been raptured just yet.
24
It's 4 o'clock and I've already eaten my dinner. Good, still enough time to break a hip and start listening exclusively to AM radio.
2 weeks, 1 day agoView original
15
Traffic no lighter than usual, no chocolate in the office and we're even expected to do work? Seriously, why do we even have Christmas?
2 weeks, 2 days agoView original
7
"I apologize in advance for the length of this" he says with barely contained glee.
2 weeks, 3 days agoView original
4
3 year old says "I love you more than the color yellow". If there's a more delightful way to hear I love you, I can't think of it right now.
2 weeks, 4 days agoView original
16
Is it just me, or do Hershey's kisses taste like vomit? The only way I would eat those is if there was no other chocolate around.
2 weeks, 5 days agoView original
2
Whenever I think my job sucks, I remember that guy who pushes around a cart of random office supplies all day. Yeah, I wish I had his job.
2 weeks, 5 days agoView original
13
Dear Santa, I don't want anything for myself, but please bring all of womankind an understanding of courtesy spacing in public washrooms.
2 weeks, 6 days agoView original
12
Why all the hype about going wireless? My boobs have never looked worse.
2 weeks, 6 days agoView original
18
My nephew is wearing an undershirt and two sweaters because his grandmother is cold.
2 weeks, 6 days agoView original
12