Where's my glue gun?? You guys, it's only a week till Thanksgiving and my Jordache short shorts aren't going to fucking bedazzle themselves.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
16 hours, 51 minutes agoView original
47
I always thought it wasn't technically sexual harassment if you did it right, but HR says I'm doing it wrong.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
1 day, 19 hours agoView original
34
Sometimes I fantasize about refusing to accept a major award.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
2 days, 21 hours agoView original
33
What did I say. I said NO a-knockin while the Geo Metro's a-rockin. I was very clear on this point. Now your mom is mad and distant. Thanks.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
3 days, 18 hours agoView original
42
The season's first snow. A hushed, blessed morning. A man wearing nothing but a tool belt pees upon my car. My soul sings something by Enya.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
6 days, 17 hours agoView original
41
Lassoed the cat's legs in under 17 minutes! Not too bad for someone who flunked out of rodeo college and just drank a Zima he got on eBay!
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
31
Your mom's phone accidentally called me and I overheard her saying my hair was the only good thing about me. Third time this week!
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
1 week, 1 day agoView original
8
Sometimes I miss the days when we didn't have to know which Olsen twin was which.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
1 week, 2 days agoView original
30
Like Mama always said: If the stripper's wearing a diaper under her g-string, you shouldn't have to pay $12.50 for a Red Bull and Popov.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
1 week, 3 days agoView original
23
I don’t care what the DSM-IV says, you CAN go crazy from eating too many tequila worms. Take it from EEEEEE CHUPACABRA IN MY HAIR YOU GUYS
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
22
God bless Obama. It's a glorious new day for this country. Anyway I just kicked the shit out of some guy from the Arcade Fire at Taco Bell.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
2 weeks, 1 day agoView original
34
The only time I get to see the inside of a high school gym is on Election Day. Ever since the restraining order, I mean.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
2 weeks, 2 days agoView original
35
You KNOW I have to test out your makeup first to make sure it's OK. In the basement. With Sade on the boombox. Crying. We've been over this.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
2 weeks, 3 days agoView original
32
Kids, a Halloween ghoul just appeared and ate all your candy and smeared delicious chocolate on my face! Did you forget to pray last night?!
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
2 weeks, 6 days agoView original
26
Sorry I "voted early" in the "ballot box" last night. I guess I got over-excited about "electing a black man." Hm, this metaphor needs work.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
42
Still going: http://wiretapfollies.com. Won't you help it grow from a cruddy Charlie Brown tree to an erect, throbbing man-oak?
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
3 weeks, 1 day agoView original
5
Ha ha yeah no but seriously CAN you get herpes simplex virus type 2 from passing out face-down on the toilet in the lady's room at Mervyn's?
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
3 weeks, 2 days agoView original
24
Can I please just get through ONE parent-teacher conference without hearing the word "loathsome"?
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
3 weeks, 6 days agoView original
25
Oh, this scar? I got this one back in Halloween of '08 when my Obama costume was ... misunderstood.
fireland (Joshua Green Allen) from Denver
