Twitter, I'm cheating on you. With Tumblr. Remember when I said I was at Lou's, watching the game? I had my blog in Tumblr's whore mouth.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Oklahoma
22 hours, 7 minutes agoView original
14
The Norman Police Department's motto should be "To Project and Swerve." Ease up, cherries and blueberries.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
1 day, 21 hours agoView original
5
Pre-cotton-commercial Aaron Neville is the fabric of my life. Every song on "Like It 'Tis" puts the starch in my collar.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
4 days, 8 hours agoView original
2
Same shit, different gay.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
4 days, 20 hours agoView original
9
Attending my high school sweetheart's wedding today. My gift to the bride: not asking her parents and the groom why her dress is white.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
5 days, 22 hours agoView original
29
Ugh. That was supposed to be "boughs of holly." I'm taking a nap. Somebody wake me when it's time to make dinner or babies.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
6 days, 15 hours agoView original
7
If I ever reach the point where I can rationalize the purchase of a Snaplock holiday-wreath storage case, please sever my balls of holly.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
6 days, 15 hours agoView original
14
A week after moving into town, first day of the year, and Ainsley and I have photos in the Oklahoman. All downhill from here.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
4
I can't even acoustic slide.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
1 week, 1 day agoView original
9
Ainsley was stung by a red wasp while setting up for a party. We're at Urgent Care, just to be safe. "My eyelids feel like little mouths."
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
1 week, 1 day agoView original
2
Life as a shorty shouldn't be so rough.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
1 week, 2 days agoView original
2
Rediscovering the simple pleasures of sweatpants. Also, boners.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
1 week, 3 days agoView original
20
Urinal cakes are abrasive.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
1 week, 4 days agoView original
3
Your hashtags would be a lot cooler if they were hash brownies.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
1 week, 5 days agoView original
11
Teaching Ainsley to drive stick in the same parking lot where I learned to drive 15 years ago. Pop that clutch, bitch.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
1 week, 6 days agoView original
6
Forget copywriting, we can't find any work. Instead we'll pursue a new business venture: hi-fi porn. Company name: Surround Mound.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
1 week, 6 days agoView original
5
This coffee is weaker than Michael J. Fox's Jenga game.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
1 week, 6 days agoView original
33
Nookie in the parents' house necessitates "mime sex." We're both silent, but I'm the only one trapped inside a box.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
34
My family opens gifts on Christmas Eve. Ainsley asked why I prematurely ejaculate. I told her that next year she'll get coal in her vagina.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
2 weeks, 1 day agoView original
11
Ironically, Mitch Albom is the one person you meet in hell.
pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) from Portland, OR
2 weeks, 2 days agoView original
23