Dear twitter,
If my boss comes around asking if you've seen me
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME I WAS NEVER HERE FAST LIKE NINJA
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
6 hours, 10 minutes agoView original
19
What General Mills doesn't want you to know about Lucky the Leprechaun is that he's a registered cereal rapist. They're Magically Malicious!
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
11 hours, 52 minutes agoView original
32
I'll forgo the brute-force dictionary attack and just tell you my password if we can cuddle after you make me dinner. U + ME = 2GETHER 4EVER
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
7
The neighbor's dog may have beaten me in a game of checkers, but he didn't have to be a dick about it.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
1 day, 2 hours agoView original
19
I've been feeding my wife cocoa powder in her sleep so she produces chocolate breast milk & writing my "Dad of the Year" acceptance speech.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
1 day, 9 hours agoView original
49
How can I have any time for work after I get coffee, twitter, email, CNN, coffee, RSS, twitter, stare at wall, twitter and update Facebook?
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
1 day, 11 hours agoView original
54
Life is like a box of chocolates until you eat them all and then cry on the inside because life sucks when I don't have any more chocolates.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
37
If you aren't supposed to eat donuts out of the trash, then they shouldn't have made them taste so delicious.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
2 days, 12 hours agoView original
31
Check fridge. Check online support group.
Open roll of cookie dough. Open account.
Remember there are others.
Remember to hide evidence.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
2 days, 23 hours agoView original
9
@Moltz You can beat facebook by adding friends whom you haven't spoken to in 10+ years. Good luck with Boss Battle #3. I hear it's a bitch.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
3 days, 9 hours agoView original
7
I recently joined facebook and I can't find the "Look at my life! LOOK AT IT! Button" Am I missing something? This must be an oversight.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
3 days, 9 hours agoView original
35
The repairman is scheduled to come fix our refrigerator anytime from 8AM tomorrow until January 2010.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
4 days, 6 hours agoView original
18
Following people on twitter is like sitting in an overcrowded psychiatric ward waiting room just hoping that someone will go bat-shit crazy.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
5 days, 21 hours agoView original
44
This beer is so Belgian, I'm pissing Trappist Monks.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
5 days, 22 hours agoView original
13
I'm not sure what's going on around here, but all I know is that this hamper smells funny.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
4
I haven't showered since last year.
Is that a thing? That's a thing right?
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
6 days, 7 hours agoView original
16
Dear Abby:
My wife is pregnant and I think she's cheating on me.
I'm not even sure the baby is hers. What should I do?
Confused Dad
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
6 days, 11 hours agoView original
18
Most people don't realize that Chik-fil-A closes on Sundays to baptize the chicken nuggets in peanut oil.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
11
Now that it's the new year, I want to take this time to apologize for the mean and hurtful things I'll say about you and your mom is so fat.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
20
I sent my wife in to buy several bottles of hard alcohol at the liquor store. She is 7 months pregnant.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
1 week, 1 day agoView original
23